First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
