He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
