peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
