Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm just crazy horny about you
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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