ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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