Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
