just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
