Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
