When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
