No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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