just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
