I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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