i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
