Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
