im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm jealous of your bromance
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
