Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
