Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
