Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
