Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
