Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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