i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
