My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
