I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
