Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
