I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
