Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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