i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
