Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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