so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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