you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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