Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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