just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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