So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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