I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
