My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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