tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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