First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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