so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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