Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
