he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
