people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
