I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
