I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize