Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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