If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
