call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
