i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
