'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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