My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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