farters have to be the big spoon...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
