Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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