I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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