Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
