apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
