I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
