remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
