Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
