You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
