I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Two words: nipple clamps
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