In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
