So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
